Healthy, satisfying, functional love used to massively unnatural to me. I grew up witnessing my mothers toxic, controlling, abusive relationship with my former step father and
because of the lack of a positive example for me I had all kinds of crazy ideas and issues to work out in my relationships that were always toxic from a young age.
My biggest pattern for awhile was attracting emotionally unavailble men, 1 in particular for 5 years(I couldn't take a hint) I was hooked. I felt pathetic and not good enough.
I eventually decided I couldn't take anymore and built walls, I became cold and closed off.(I called myself the Ice Queen) I became emotionally unavailable myself and attracted men that were way more into me than I was them, then I attracted men that wanted to save and control me and I fell in love with one of them.
But it wasn’t healthy of sustainable so eventually we broke up. After our break up I felt so alone and lost because I had invested SO much into our relationship. We were even planning on moving in together soon and I had moved about 8 hours away from any family to get a place for us to live and then it was just DONE. I felt depressed and was wondering if I would ever be truly happy and have a loving, healthy relationship. So I decided that I had to work on myself.
Then I confronted my deepest fears, my low self-worth, body image issues, my codependency issues, and my inability to open up in a balanced way, which inevitably led me to deeply heal my deep childhood wounds. I healed my mommy issues that seemed to be the root of my self esteem issues after feeling like my whole life she chose an abuser over me, I healed my daddy issues that taught me men will just leave and no one will ever save you, and I healed my step daddy issues that taught me love is scary, it's a trap, don't trust men.
Not just for me though. Although I was determined to heal for myself I was also determined to heal to embody a way of loving that would positively affect everyone around me and actually allow my future kids to have healthy functioning relationships and attachment.
Because the truth is, the things I learned about love wasn't my truth, that was learned and conditioned and my SOUL truth was COMPLETELY different.